01 March 2007

I pledge you my sword and to no man I kneel, ours is the kingdom of steel.

I realise that I never write enough on here (or indeed anywhere) anymore and I miss it. I used to really love writing all kinds of mediocre crap, whether anyone read it or not, like when I did those music reviews for Sidewalk. They were fun. And they paid my rent. Did that make me a journalist? I don't think it did, bit it was a laugh none the less. I recently managed to pull the files off of the old computer I gave Bruce and have re-read a couple of them. Some I'm proud of, some are absolute bollocks and very embarrassing.

So in the spirit of this nostalgia I thought I'd whack a few of 'em up on here from time to time and cringe while you read them. Here's the first: a review of the Avril Lavigne Sk8r Boi single that we all know and love. The only way I could get away with reviewing this was to pretend it was metal so it would fit in with the other reviews I was doing. Enjoy! (maybe enjoy isn't the right word, never mind)

Avril Lavigne “Sk8r Boi” (Arista)

AAAAAARRRRGGGGHH! Shit, this is gnarly, pure dark satanic blasphemy straight from the bowels of hell itself. You’ll be hard pressed to find another record as aggressive and brutal as this twisted little fucker, it goes beyond death metal and sounds like a serial rapist ripping off a whole class of infant school children’s heads and then shitting down their necks. I feel physically sick and abused after listening to this record, it’s that evil. The guitars spew forth their devilish cacophony with all the violence and venomous hatred of world scale human genocide, the drums are nothing short of inhuman hell-battery and the bass guitar is like a forty foot long barbarian chainsaw thundering through the flesh and sinew of a whole continent of desperately praying nuns. And then we come to the vocals. Unholy black metal screams and blood-gargling vomitations of the cruellest ferocity that are almost unbearable to the human ear – I am currently undergoing therapy for having listened to just 30 seconds of this sickening bile. If any of you think you’re hard I suggest hiding under a rock in the back of a deep cave anyway, just to be sure. The world is not a safe place with malevolent forces like this roaming our doomed planet, tearing and shredding through the very fabric of humanity and hope. I’m no supporter of censorship but some things should never see the light of day, this belongs locked safely away in the mind of the tortured soul who made it, condemned to an eternity of solitude in the fortress of mental instability. I’ll never sleep again.

Oh, and I had to knock up a fake cover too...

Pretty cool huh? And surprisingly close to the original.

So yeah, I'll probably add some more soon. Maybe I'll even write some new ones one day.
I'm the kind of guy that films other people's reactions to his farts. Gross huh?

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