25 November 2006

Canadian gals dem no like batty man, if yuh are not one yuh haffi push up

Last night was my birthday party. I'd joked about having a Gay-theme-party for so long I actually had to finally throw it or I'd look like a pussy. Anyway, it turned out so good and my friends (who I'm now kind of worried about) threw themselves into it with such gusto that you'd be hard pressed to find a gayer looking bunch outside of San Francisco.

I'm far too hungover to write much more about it so feel free to stare agahst at people you may know and now could be crossing off your Christmas card list (If you're a total Homophobe, which I'm clearly not). Check these fags out... Rob Halford.
Dorothy and a friend.
Cher was behind the wheels of steel. She dropped anthem after anthem (including Boom Bye Bye).
Fucking hell! I had no idea.
David Gest and Liza Minelli turned up.
One Freddie Mercury.
Siegfried and Roy (Roy's neck was all cut up and bloody)
The other Freddie Mercury and "a young friend"
Nope. I don't know either.
S + R gave it some during YMCA.
The only picture of me you're gonna get to see. The super tight "Kiss me" t-shirt I had was so unflattering that it in no way covered much of my fat gut. And Bruce has managed to push my angel wings out of shot. Sorry. Trust me though - I looked GAY.
Normally this would count as bro-mance right? At my gay party it really could have been something else.
Note to French - you really need to eat more than half a peanut every six months.
I'm not sure the real Freddie Mercury would be staring where Kloako is.Standard morning after breakfast photo.Just so there's no confusion - I really am a full red-blooded hetero sex machine with about 80 girlfriends and lots of good ol' homophobic dancehall on my iPod. Chi-chi man fi dead!

22 November 2006

There is no future no fucking world to be saved.

In a few weeks I might be moving in with this numb nuts. After nearly 10 years in Brighton I've finally given in and decided I should make the move up to London. This little fella could be one of my flat mates too. He's pretty militant and won't stand for any false metal bullshit, hence the tank. He's into Axis of Advance, Conqueror and Bolt Thrower - anything war related.Nugget's in on the sessions these days.Monday night I saw Slayer with Fos, French and some of the northern lads like Mirza and Andy Mac. Fos bought me my ticket for my birthday present. Cheers lad!
First thing I saw upon entering the venue was this Kloakius stunt-double. It was uncanny.
Unsurprisingly The Warrior and Wayne were there. We were deep in conference for most of the evening.

The fucking assholes played literally nothing from Show No Mercy or Hell Awaits - we didn't even get Die By The Sword. Unfuckingbelievable. It was truly modern Slayer all the way unfortuntely. Bah! Humbug! The Hove Warrior does not sleep - he waits.

Finally here's a great clip from when they were still amazing, in fact it's pretty much from even before that (excuse the crappy 30 second intro). Evil Has No Boundaries was the first song that ever made me feel there was genuine evil in music. I remember listening to it in the back of my mum's car and glaring out of the window and realising I hated everything! Yes! Being a teenager ruled.

16 November 2006

It's my lucky carpet!

Fuck knows why I thought it would be a good idea but I dug out the footage tape from when I was at Uni of me and the kooks I lived with in halls of residence. It's like 3 hours long and is the single most cringeworthy thing I own (apart from the lost diary I kept when I was 16 but fuck knows where that is) The tape contains almost the entire first year including nearly every party I went to and all the dicking around that went on in 'B Block'. This was in 1994 so you can imagine how much embarrassing it is.

Here are some things I've discovered about that part of my life....

I was impossibly Skinny. Now I've gone a bit the other way. Oh well. There must have been a period when I was just plain buff! If that ever was the case I was probably asleep or something 'cos I missed it.

My love for crap sparkling wine goes way back.

I was in love this girl Debbie that I lived with but seeing as I had a girlfriend at the time I was the perfect gentleman and never strayed - even when I slept in her bed with her once. Watching this vid confirmed my memories - she had the best arse! Curse my fidelity!

Carl Grose was/is one of, if not THE, funniest person I've ever met. And I miss him.

Impressions of Pat and Dave Arrowsmith are the funniest thing ever. Remember them? The 'bra men' from Vic Reeves. "What are Y'SAYIN' LIKE?"

So yeah, I'm about 2 hours deep into this damned tape now and the best thing that's come out of it is that it's made me seek out some classic Vic and Bob... Like this...

15 November 2006

In the name of Satan I condemn this image of God....I AM A KEY!!!

Was just reading some of my old blog from when I used to work in the porn business and found this beautiful little piece of prose I wrote about the sleepy little Sussex hamlet that is Arundel. As you might be able to tell I never really did enjoy being there very much...

"Thursday a.m.

I fucking hate Arundel, desolate little redneck shithole full of inbred retards who cant count all of their eleven toes.

I booked a taxi yesterday for 6.45am this morning and the guy took my number to call me back if he couldnt keep the booking. So when at 6.50am i call up to see where he is, predictably, he says "no, mate, you were supposed to call me to confirm".

NO I WASN'T CLEETUS YOU FUCKING DRIBBLING YOKEL! That's why you took MY damn number!

Why else would you have wanted it? I know, you probably wanted it because you'd never met anyone who's sister wasnt their dad and it made for a nice souvenir. "Yeehaw, lookee here boys, I got me a mobile tellerfone number offa ole Ten Toes! Dangnabbit!" These fatherfuckers aren't even attempting to contribute to the genepool.

When you read the paper soon and it says "Sussex town in gas attack massacre", remember the taxi drivers, dying in their cheap leather driving gloves, stuck to their seats by 4 pints of arse sweat and unable to run for cover as they're all fucked out from sodomizing their teenage daughter the night before.
Fuck those guys, they deserve it.

Merry Christmas,

Al Queda.

14 November 2006

Irreverent Captor of Abysmal Flames and Ultimate Desolation

This is why I'm never doing anything again. Ever. By far and away the greatest live ritual of recent times happened in Germany whilst I was in NY.

ARCHGOAT, PROCLAMATION and the recently renamed GOAT MOLESTOR (now GRAVE MIASMA) in one fucking place!!!!! That is beyond KVLTING!!! I would have flown over there in a SECOND for that!!! I'm never missing anything ever again.

For that I'm holding a pure blood ritual of war worship and chaos in my flat for the next few days. Do not call me. Do not try to empathise with me. You know nothing. You are all total posers and we will never agree about real metal.

However, if you can name all the band's below without phoning a friend you might win a prize.